Self-Compassion: A First Hand Account

By Ronald Hui

College students need to juggle many balls: classes, social life, internships, family, clubs and more. Inevitably, we drop one or two. Sometimes many.

How do you treat yourself when you…

• Fall short of expectations?
• Bomb your midterm?
• Go through a breakup?
• Fail to land an internship?
• Feel anxious, afraid or hurt?

In the past, I would initially react with anger, sadness, and regret. Whenever I would think of why things went the way they did, I would solely blame myself for the outcome. “I should’ve studied more. I should’ve been more prepared. I should’ve been more strict on myself. It’s no one’s fault but mine.”

Recently, I’ve been trying a new approach: self-compassion. Instead of shaming myself, I try to treat myself with the same kindness and understanding as I would with a good friend. I tell myself that I’m worthy, knowing I will have future opportunities to be successful. With self-compassion, I won’t create self-inflicted suffering. Rather, I’ll build my resilience and foster self-worth to better my confidence and happiness.

When you mess up, I believe the most important thing you could possibly do for yourself is to accept it happened, forgive yourself, and move on. Understand that it’s okay if things didn’t go your way. You did the best you could. You have many more chances coming.

A mindful self-compassion teacher recently told me that suffering comes from our resistance to pain. By resisting pain, we create negative reactions in our mind that make us feel even more miserable. I realized how many ways I try to resist my pain when I could instead confront it. For example, rather than giving myself the time to reflect on myself and my emotions, I would try to numb the pain by playing video games with my friends. Instead, I have to accept the realities of my life and tell myself that sometimes it’s not my fault. I should embrace myself for what I could do in the future rather than continue to shame myself for things I’ve done in the past. Most importantly, I have to be kind to myself.

If you find this difficult, you’re not alone. I still struggle to forgive myself and have to remind myself that I am OK. During some late nights, I’d find myself dwelling yet again on another mishap and shame myself for the result. As easy as it sounded, I realized that treating myself with kindness was actually quite challenging. But practicing self-compassion is a process that rewards us with happiness and self-confidence.

When you are hurting, make space to do things you enjoy. Reach out to loved ones. Most importantly, as difficult as it may be, try to be kind to yourself. You are never alone in this process. Keep at it. You got this.